Hydroflask: You’re probably in ASB or Oracle

You organize dances. You share links to polls that no one reads. You count money. You post overly-friendly reminders to your class’s facebook page in hopes that people will read them, pause, stare out the window, and contemplate what the “New Year’s” Winterball theme actually means. You walk around thrusting newspapers in your classmate’s faces. You preside over the peasants of MVHS. Authority. Power. Jurisdiction. You’re pretty much a Spartan God.

S’well: You’re always talking in a big group

You need your water to be extremely cold at all times so bacteria doesn’t settle. Also, water just tastes better when it’s cold and in a overly- patterned, minimalistic container.  You’re high maintenance, admit it. You wake up at 6:30 every morning to straighten your hair, fleek your brows, and make yourself avocado toast from Pinterest. You spent $39 on this water bottle at Therapy in downtown Mountain View. You think it’s chic and trendy to have a “wooden” water bottle that isn’t actually wood.

A bkr: You watch beauty gurus on Youtube

You were reading Teen Vogue in 2015 and took a quiz, only to confirm that you’re a fashionista and the water bottle recommended for you is the bkr. You saw Kylie Jenner posing with a bkr on Tumblr, her finger slug casually through the top loop, which only confirmed that the bkr is the way fame and fortune. The brk is also glass, which means you’re not clumsy. Also, glass is aesthetic. You care about your aesthetic, wear lots of minimalist rings, and have a monochrome Instagram feed. Too bad bkr’s went out of style 24 months ago. 🙁

A Milk Jug: You belong to the “LAX bro” cult.

This isn’t your water bottle anymore. In fact, this is nobody’s water bottle because it was every boy on the JV Lacrosse team’s water bottle in 2015. Heck, it’s not even a water bottle because it’s a freaking milk jug. You probably drank from it every 6th period during US history, with a lot of sound effects and an exaggerated head tilt. Yeah, it was a spectacle. But you’re extremely proud of how hydrated you stay. You also think it’s funny that you carry water in a milk jug, so you’re always smirking.

A klean kanteen: You’re innovative

You probably made a TED Talk and you’re probably making an app. Your favorite class was AP Biology and you have an oddly intimate relationship with Doctor Krishna. You’re interested in studying the human genome and have worn cargo pants more than once in your life. You may be featured on the National Geographic Channel or seen winning awards with your trusty, stainless-steel kanteen by your side.

An insulated Camelbak: You bike to school (rain or shine)

You’re progressive and take weekly rancho hikes without being ironic. You call your backpack a “satchel” and spend too much money on Acai bowls. You rock-climb on the weekends at Planet Granite. You’re sporty and adventurous and you’re going bioluminescent kayaking next weekend.

A Blender Bottle: You’re swole

You practically live at the El Camino YMCA. You bench press. You squat. You deadlift. Anything but aerobic exercise. Your calves are the size of most people’s necks and protein powder is your pantry staple. Every morning you use your nutribullet to make a smoothie that you sip on… all…day…long.     

A recyclable plastic water bottle: You’re not a trend follower

You probably failed AP Environmental Science so you’re rebelling, or you don’t believe in global warming because you can still go ice skating.  You think sustainability is bullshit. You roll your eyes at LED lighting and reusable shopping bags. You’re completely unaware of the fact that your peers pass you in the hall, glare at your recyclable bottle, and deem you as morally corrupt and internally troubled.  You scoff at your peer’s outrage about the Dakota Access Pipeline. Good luck surfing the rising waters of climate change!

Starbucks Cup: You think water is obsolete

White Chocolate Mocha. That is all.

Happy drinking 🙂