Aries: 21 March – 19 April

Neptune is high in the sky today, which would be good news under ordinary circumstances. Unfortunately for you, the circumstances are anything but ordinary, so watch your back. Also, beware of nuns bearing gifts.

Taurus: 20 April – 20 May

Orion is in alignment, meaning you will be especially susceptible to viruses and conservative political rhetoric. Try to avoid all contact with other human beings until further notice, and restrict your communications to letters written by candlelight.

Gemini: 21 May – 20 June

The skies are cloudy, so us Astrologists up here in the Oracle Observatory have to resort to the backup prediction method. “Reply hazy, try again later.” How ironic.

Cancer: 21 June – 22 July

You will find true love today in an unexpected place; namely, begging for change downtown. Give him a ten or something, times have been rough for all of us. Be on the lookout for opportunities to use the word “lugubrious” in casual conversation.

Leo: 23 July – 22 August

In quiet reflection one morning, you will finally realize the perfect comeback for when Cody Shannon called you a “booger” in the first grade, only ten years too late. Take time out of your busy day to stop and smell the roses, as you will soon lose your sense of smell in a tragic accident in which you inhale a bee.

Virgo: 23 August – 21 September

They are all against you. All of them. Oh yes, they’ll deny it when you confront them about it, smile and pretend that nothing is amiss, but behind closed doors they all are planning to end your miserable life once and for all. Your only hope is to surround yourself with a circle of lawn flamingos and scream incoherently at anyone who happens to pass by.

Libra: 22 September – 23 October

After days of serious deliberation and consideration, the stars have decided that it’s altogether better for everyone if you just don’t know.

Scorpio: 24 October – 21 November

Calm down, that lightning bolt shaped mark on your forehead is actually just the result of last night, when you passed out on your keyboard while typing that essay for English. Yer not a wizard, Harry.

Sagittarius: 22 November – 21 December

You know that Pumpkin Spice Latte you’ve been craving? Well, it’s full of poison. Sweet, delicious, pumpkin-flavored poison. Due to some ironic twist of fate, you were originally destined to be born as the guy in Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi who says “Two fighters against a star destroyer?!?” and is blown into oblivion minutes later.

Capricorn: 22 December – 19 January

Your future will see new milestones in personal growth when you unknowingly ingest an experimental serum which transforms you into a ten foot tall giant. The cure for your loneliness is just a phone call away: specifically an anonymous threatening one to your local congressman or woman.

Aquarius: 20 January – 18 February

A picture is worth a thousand words. Unfortunately, neither pictures or words are accepted as legal tender; a fact which will, in retrospect, make your past ten years spent stealing pages out of magazines from the public library seem slightly pointless. When your clothing catches fire tomorrow, your instincts will tell you to stop, drop, and roll; this would be good advice under regular circumstances, but unfortunately you will be standing in a pool of gasoline.

Pisces: 19 February – 20 March

Not that it’s really any of the Zodiac’s business, but most people remove the dead fish from the fishbowl before putting the new one in. The same goes for drowned rats. “Sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you” is a phrase which you should keep in mind when you receive a painful paper cut while peeling off a name tag sticker.