Memoirs of a MVHS zero period student



6:00 I’m waking up, but I’m not getting out of bed for another ten minutes, and don’t even try to talk to me until I’ve had caffeine.

6:10 My morning aesthetic is pain and pastel.

6:15 This feels like jet lag, but without Cancún.

6:30 A healthy lifestyle takes a lot of hard work, especially when you’re in a time crunch. This calls for creativity. For example, I’m having a balanced breakfast of a two day-old taco shell and tears. I’m making sure to supplement my meal with a Red Bull and Mountain Dew while making sure it’s both gluten-free and organic, because health is the priority!

6:33 I bleed coffee.

6:35 While some may argue that it’s more practical to take a shower at night, and taking a shower in the morning is why I’m always late, I feel that a tardy is a small price to pay for self-esteem.

6:45 Wearing sweatpants to class is couture, as long as they don’t clash with your dark under-eye circles.

6:55 Walking is overrated. There’s a reason humans have two feet; one foot to brake and another to accelerate.

7:00 Walking to school is the equivalent to purposefully stepping on a Lego in slow motion. You know what you’re doing is going to hurt, emotionally or physically. Walking only prolongs the crying.

7:05 I can’t compete with marching band. They’re too strong. Too wise. Too good at playing their French tubas at an indecent hour.  Meanwhile, some people might be taking a math test and are already struggling enough with figuring out how Thad could spend $45 on waters and cookies.

7:15 Wait, was that the bell?

7:15 No, it must’ve been the first bell.

7:15 Nevermind.  

7:16 Nah, I’m not late. Time is an illusion.

7:17 Why am I here?

7:20 I feel like zero period constitutes at least a 40% curve, if not more. If it’s math, it should be 47%.

7:30 Is that kid sleeping?

7:31 Yes.

7:38 Oh, so this is the test we took three weeks ago? The one that we had forty minutes to take? And you’re complaining about having too much to grade? But that’s none of my business.

7:39 No, I’m not telling you what I got on the test, so stop harassing me. Don’t you have any respect for artistic integrity?

7:40 Find y = mx + stop talking to me.

7:45 Some girl just poured milk into a plastic baggy full of cereal. I respect her.

7:47 Pajamas aren’t a look. I don’t care how early it is, there’s simply no excuse. Unless you’re wearing a onesie. In that case, you have bigger problems you need to solve, and not all of them can be fixed by a Target haul.

7:50 The limit does not exist.

7:53 Hygiene is not open to interpretation. Brushing your teeth is mandatory. You know who you are.

7:55 What would Rihanna do?

7:57 If I had a dime for every time someone yawned, I would have enough money to pay for extra guacamole at Chipotle.

7:58 I love Chipotle.

8:04 The teacher is telling me to stay in my seat, but my heart says otherwise.

8:05 One class down, six more to go.


Leo Kajfez
Leo, a junior, is hilarious, intelligent, kind, and very, very humble. Leo loves bees, running, and writing, in that order. Buy Carly Rae Jepsen's critically-acclaimed "EMOTION" on iTunes.