World in Briefs

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SpaceX nearly recovers dignity

Space Exploration Technologies Corporation (SpaceX), a Silicon Valley company, describes themselves as the people who “do the rockets.” The company could not successfully recover its first-stage rocket booster, following a recent launch mid-April. Instead, the component exploded shortly after touchdown. A top-level executive explained that the rocket was “on target,” but that it was “falling faster than your second semester GPA,” causing it to land at a poor angle, which resulted in a sad explosion. SpaceX’s thrifty attempts to recycle used rocket components in order to slash costs are cute but clearly impractical.

This is not the first failure SpaceX has encountered, they have also had four major launch failures and a multitude of mechanical problems. When questioned about recent shortcomings, the company’s chief engineer addressed growing concerns.

“It’s probably fine,” the overpaid employee said. This response also happens to be SpaceX’s official company motto, providing some insight into the great minds behind the operation.

Socratic seminar – the survivors

On the day that you decided to do homework in the library instead going to English class, your classmates were met with an unwelcome sight. Walking into the classroom, they found that the desks were arranged in a very daunting circle. There were a reported twenty-nine “Oh God”s and one “Yes,” which was followed by many obscene gestures at one classmate. It was a Socratic Seminar.

“The circle of desks really helps me to better see my classmates make uninterrupted eye contact with the teacher,” said the person that didn’t read the book.

The teacher started off the discussion by reminding her students that they should keep jumping from question to question to ensure that everyone gets an extra tally-mark next to their name.

“Who was your favorite character, and what is consciousness?” was the guiding question. The silence that followed was shorter than Shaq’s music career, and the girl who always “agrees” tried to answer with a jumble of academic language. Quick glances at the teacher whose eyebrows were ambiguously raised revealed nothing.

Halfway through the seminar, the fidgeter disagreed with the popular opinion, which meant an automatic “A,” but at what cost?

The quiet mumbler waited forty-five minutes to say something unintelligible, at which point four classmates blatantly agreed, and a fifth tried to steer the conversation back to Communism.

With less than a minute left, one student recalled how the room started to vibrate from thirty-two students all bouncing their various appendages in anticipation. The teacher reminded everyone that even though they have important things to do after class, they would have to wait to leave until she dismissed them. Otherwise, the students would be denied their daily walk and treat.

New school policy BYOWECPD

The MVLA school district wants to revise the method that every student uses to do their schoolwork. The district has decided that instead of waiting to go home to copy-and-paste your essay from Wikipedia, it would be more practical and convenient for students to bring their own Wikipedia Essay-Copy-and-Paste Device to school. Board chairman Sarah Scottie explained,

“It was either this or we risk looking like another last-gen district,” Scottie said, “We want parents to know that we’re still that familiar MVLA, just thinner and with a better camera.”

Following this change, the district is anticipating an increase in demand for tech support. Unfortunately, the money allocated for staff training was spent on water fountains. Instead, students will each be given a handout at the beginning of the year with universal tech fixes. These include, “turning it off,” “jamming an ink cartridge into your CD slot” and “switching your computer with a lesser classmate,” among others.

**this article was previously published in the May edition of The Oracle**

Jason Greenberg
Jason is a senior this year. When he isn't getting the scoop, he loves to rock climb, sail, and run. He enjoys leading the Investment Club, and the playing in the cult that is marching band.
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