Ask Kimi: Your love doctor*

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*Dr. Kimi is not a real doctor and this advice is purely comical.  We do not mean to offend anyone through this article.

Dr. Kimi here! I’m your personal love guru and expert on relationships because I have so much experience as a freshman!  I can totally help you with all your problems.

Hi Dr. Kimi!

I’ve been texting this guy every single day and I don’t know if he likes me or not! Do you have any advice?

The foolproof way to know if he likes you is through the emojis he uses. If he uses winky faces, it means he wants something physical…if ya know what I mean! If he incorporates a nose into his smiley face, it means that he thinks you’re cute and wants to be your friend. If he doesn’t use a nose, that means he likes you like that, and wants you to like him; but he’ll end up hooking up with you and throwing you out like a sooty tissue.  I can’t believe you don’t know this lingo: you’re part of the “Facebook Generation” fool!

Dear Kimi,

I met this boy in bio class a week ago and he’s really nice and he told his friends he wants to go out  with me. I really want to also; he’s so cute even though he fails all his classes and keeps playing with his retainer. I told my parents about him, and they said I can’t date!!!!! What should I do!?!

The answer to your question  is so obvious- disown your parents. This freshmen boy, with his backwards baseball cap and cystic acne, is the answer to all your problems. So what if you let go of the people who provide for you and want the best for you? They know nothing about true love! They just don’t want you to be with him because he won’t be able to provide for you when (and yes this will happen) you get pregnant. But so what?! You grab that retainer boy and run to him. This boy is totally worth it.  Follow your heart!

Dear Kimi,

How do I get a senior guy to like me? I’m a freshmen and I’m totally crushing on this one guy but, I’m stuck!

Senior guys care about two things: their cars and being macho in front of their friends. So, to get this guy to like you, you have to break these barriers. First, you get someone to steal his car keys and unlock the car so you can hide in the trunk. Then, have your friend give him back his keys. When all his buddies climb into the vehicle, you pop up and start reading poetry to him.  He’ll totally love it! To top it all off, spray Fergie’s Outspoken perfume everywhere for a big finale! TADA! He will absolutely LOVE it!

 

Hi Dr. Kimi,

I really like this girl! She’s the hottest girl in school, but I don’t think she knows I exist! I want to take her to a party but I don’t know how to ask her since she already has a boyfriend. What should I do? She is so out of my league!

Wow dude, get some confidence! Here’s the deal: girls have one type: a  boy who sags,  is self centered and cocky, and creepily stares at you from behind his textbook. Also, don’t forget to bathe in Axe spray! Girls will swoon at you if you are like this. Don’t take this advice lightly: if you don’t follow these suggestions, you will fail and this girl will reject you and throw you to the hounds. This is the absolute truth; don’t even question it.

Kimia Izadinia
Kimia, an old geezer, prefers to spend her time waiting for pigs to fly since if a crazy racist white dude is running for president than anything is possible.
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