Ask Dr. Kimi*

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*Dr. Kimi is not a real doctor and this advice is purely comical.  We do not mean to offend anyone through this article.

Dear Dr. Kimi,

Okay, first of all, I LOVE your work and I’m like totally freaking out right now. OMG I’m talking to the Dr. Kimi. I’m going to be famous! Anyway, I need to talk to you about my huge dilemma. My boyfriend and I are graduating this year, and we will be heading off to different colleges. But here’s the thing, we are going to live a whole 20 minutes away! I don’t know how I’m going to be able to cope with this long distance relationship because I’m kind of new at this. What do I do? Should I stay in my relationship or break up with him and avoid all the troubles of living 10 blocks away?

 

Oh sweetie I know that I’m terrific; please, my ego is bigger than the state of California. Okay, well I know long distance relationships are tough and if you truly love your boyfriend you’ve probably only had for three days, I think you should stay with him. The easiest way to keep the relationship alive is pop up randomly at his window with a huge teddy bear and a huge sign that says “I LOVE YOU.” I know I’m getting side-tracked here, but trust me, this works. Twenty minutes is really far though… so I don’t know how well this is going to work out. If you want coping advice, I’d say to look through all the excessive selfies you have with him and maybe burn them? Then, take a video of you burning them and send it to your boyfriend to make him want what he can’t have. This will totally attract the men and he will totally come running back for you.

 

Dear Dr. Kimi,

I need major help! Prom is this weekend and I didn’t get asked by the boy I really like. I’ve been hinting at him to ask me, but I just found out that he caught a bad case of the chicken pox. Now my life is ruined! Another boy asked me instead, and I guess he’s the next best thing, so should I go with him or just not go at all?

 

The obvious choice is chicken pox boy! Never ever settle for the next best thing, and prom is only moments away, so you don’t want to spoil your magical night by going with “the next best thing.” No other day will be more monumental than prom — not the day you graduate, not your wedding, none of that. Who cares if he’s just a little itchy on your special night? And also, don’t we have a cure for that by now? Just steal those shots from your doctor and inject him. It’ll all be worth it!

 

Dear Dr. Kimi,

There’s this girl that I have been seeing around campus lately, and I think she may be that new foreign exchange student. Sadly, I don’t have any classes with her, I don’t know her name, and she might not even be a student. I really want to go up and talk to her, but I get butterflies in my stomach at every attempt, and now I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I need some advice doctor, and I need it soon.

 

Take a risk! lav is lav. Just go up to her and whisper: “Hey sexy mama lemme whisper in yo ear, lemme tell you something that chu wanna hear.” Then burp in her ear. It totally works, chicks dig it, and the worst case scenario is she goes back to the country she was from. Only a few more days of school, and I can’t believe you aren’t “#YOLO-ing it” right now.

 

Dear Dr. Kimi,

I’m stuck in a pretty bad situation right now and I’m feeling kind of hopeless. I’ve been lying on my bed for the past 5 hours watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix, but I just ran out of popcorn and gummy worms. The kitchen is too far away for my reach and I just got to the juicy part of the episode. I knew that you were the only one I could count on to tell me what to do because you seem to always be there when I need you the most…also because I have you bookmarked on my browser. Doctor, I can hear the bag of potato chips calling my name, but so is Google Chrome. What should I do?

 

First off, if you’re such a great fan, then you should know that I’m a love doctor, not a nutritionist. But alas, I can connect to you on a spiritual level right now. The easiest way to get the junk you want is to text or call your family member in your house and say that you need the food for a science experiment. (Technically digestion is science). Then they can’t reject you, and you can get the food you need. Also, please, Orange is the New Black? It’s all about American Horror Story!

Kimia Izadinia
Kimia, an old geezer, prefers to spend her time waiting for pigs to fly since if a crazy racist white dude is running for president than anything is possible.
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