The Deploracle: New four way stop system being implemented at MVHS

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School officials are implementing a new four way stop system for periods of increased student activity in the hallways in light of recent incidents involving speeding golf carts colliding with students.

Deploracle reporters on the scene of the new policy announcement reported a visibly animated Principal Gavid Drissom adamantly defending the new policy measure, commenting in reference to students whose commutes between classes were of an exceptional length.

“My administration has had this issue in the back of their minds for a long time now, and we’ve finally decided that we’ve had enough of students’ reckless behavior,” Drissom said. “Passing period is five minutes guys, five minutes, and there is no excuse for students to make it to their next class late. I therefore believe we are justified in implementing a policy that actually slows down speeding students, because if our five minute passing period has been thought out so meticulously, then how could students ever not make it to class on time? We hope this administrative check on student speed will make it safer for our fragile golf carts to dart around campus at appropriately high speeds.”

When prompted for details about the new system, Drissom said the school would be hiring additional “traffic enforcers,” who would be active on campus before school, during passing periods, brunch, lunch, and after school.

“These enforcers will be properly equipped to carry out their duties,” Drissom said.

The level of vagueness present in Drissom’s comment caused a feeling of apprehension to seize the assembled press corp.

According to Drissom, funding would come out of budget cuts to the school’s cross country team.

“We are hitting the problem in two ways here, killing two birds with one stone, if you will, by implementing the traffic system and by implementing a policy that strikes at the root of the problem, which is the cross country team’s cult-like promotion of the activity of running,” Drissom said.

In addition, Drissom said that there would be “swift retribution” exacted upon students who violate the new traffic code. What exactly this retribution may be is, as of now, undetermined, however, the Deploracle’s archives chief says that historically, punishments for certain offences at school have ranged from slashing students’ GPAs all the way to fines of up to $500. The archive chief did note that the majority of cases saw students opting to pay the fine rather than take a cut in their GPA, which offers a curious insight into the culture at MVHS.

Alec Olslund
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