Step #1: Collect four-leaf clovers

Four-leaf clovers are instantly recognizable, fun, and organic symbols of everyone’s favorite holiday. Someone who doesn’t shower might say, “We could make some out of paper,” or, “Don’t they have those really pretty glitter ones at Michael’s?” but a guru such as myself will always go for holistic, locally grown clovers that don’t cost $1.29. So, run to your nearest park and start looking! Remember, only four-leaf clovers have any value. Three-leaf clovers are cheap and disposable and are a reflection of who you are as a person. To put it gently, three-leaf clovers are the plant equivalent to Crocs. However, you may find it difficult to find four-leaf clovers, because, just like friends and family, they are green and elusive. So, if you’re visually impaired, like myself, or lazy, like myself, bring hot glue and a passion for art. Lastly, just rip up a bunch of three-leaf clovers and throw together a second-rate and artificial, yet socially acceptable, four-leaf clover, another reflection of who you are as a person

Step #2: Prepare snacks and refreshments

What’s really important in throwing a St. Patrick’s Day party is color scheme. Basically, anything green is a go. Cupcakes with green frosting? Check. Lemon Lime Gatorade? Check. A half-eaten gogurt from 2007? Check. Cheese you found under the fridge that you think may have given you mono somehow, but you’re not really sure because you’ve honestly had such a crazy week and you think you may have let Karen use your water bottle but you can’t be sure because you were busy and frankly anything is possible after the week you’ve been through? Check. Salad? No.

Step #3: Make a playlist

No party is complete without music. For St. Patrick’s day, choose artists that are Irish, like Shrek or Iggy Azalea. Maybe even the bagpipes. If it feels right, it’s probably wrong. Find strength in overcoming adversity

Step #4: Plan entertainment

Now I know what you’re thinking; we really didn’t need another Kung Fu Panda movie. But, we got it, and with it, an invaluable lesson: some things are inevitable, like death, or puberty. And people will be uncomfortable if they’re bored at your party! So, entertain them with some holiday hallmarks. For example, did you know that the Dumbledore in the first two Harry Potter movies was Irish? That’s 318 minutes of pure fun, and even longer if you get the audiobooks. Feed on holiday cheer. Hire the shortest clown you know and tell him to dress up like a leprechaun. Don’t promise to pay him

The day of…

You’re probably wondering what you’re going to do with all this food that wasn’t eaten by the guests that didn’t come to the party you shouldn’t have had. Call your mother. Tell her you love her. Hang up the phone. Call your dad. He won’t answer. Start eating.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!