*Dr. Kimi is not a real doctor and this advice is purely comical.  We do not mean to offend anyone through this article.

Dear Dr. Kimi,

I like this guy, but he has a girlfriend. I know he has liked me in the past, but I don’t know how to act around him now that he’s dating someone else. What should I do?

There are a few easy steps in this situation. You have to first break up the couple. This calls for sabotage. My favorite way is the “Faux Love Potion.” You give this guy a “love potion” and say it’s from the present chick. This love potion will consist of grass, dead flies, leeches, dead skin, hair, and nail clippings. Your guy will dump the girl in a blink of an eye! You swoop in and say the lines “I would never do that to you..” Easy, simple, and effective. Use protection!!!

Dr. Kimi,

I think my friend likes my girlfriend, and I’m afraid that she likes him too. He keeps talking about how nice she is and how much he texts her, but I don’t want to confront them and seem like I don’t trust my friend or my girlfriend. I talked to my girlfriend before, but she got mad at me for not trusting her enough. Should I talk to them or wait and see what happens?

You cannot let these people walk all over you! You have to go full on spy attack! Set up cameras all over her room and in your best friend’s room. ALWAYS BE WATCHING! The moment you catch her say or do something with this boy, you will have evidence to catch these culprits and send them to jail. Federal prison is the best option; it’ll be more high security. If you need help sending them where they belong, be sure to contact me, I have my connections…

Dear Dr. Kimi,

It’s almost prom, but I don’t have a prom date. All my friends have been asked, and I don’t know what I need to do to get a guy to ask me. Do you have any advice? I don’t want to seem desperate!

BE DESPERATE! This is prom, aka the most important day of a high schooler’s life! There will no other moment in your in your entire teenagehood that’s more monumental. And the best accessory to this day is a handsome date! DUH! First, find any boy you want, it does not matter if they have a date, even if it’s Channing Tatum, you can get him. It’s prom, anything can happen! Go up to him and declare that you are his date. If he says no, you can always break up him and his current date by following the steps to my “Faux Love Potion.” There’s no way he will say no.

Dr. Kimi,

I like this girl, but all my friends think that we’d be terrible together. We might be five years apart, and she is my best friend’s sister, but I’d really like to go out with her some time. What should I do?

Always stay away from older sisters. Sure they’re insanely hot (I know, I am one) and incredibly majestic creatures, but they’re also terrible heartbreakers. Remember Full House? D.J always got the guy! Also, when you think Spears, your mind immediately goes to Britney, but who remembers Jamie’s fifteen minutes of fame in Zoe 101?  You will be terrible together, I promise. Best friend’s older siblings are not the way to go. Find yourself a better gal…just a suggestion.