*This advice is purely comical. We do not mean to offend anyone through this article.

So you’re interested in male fashion? Actually, that’s highly doubtful– fashion’s appeal runs somewhere between doing your physics homework and watching Netflix historical documentaries, except people don’t make fun of you doing either of those things. Regardless, I’m here to answer your burning sartorial inquiries. Here, I’m focusing on the basics of high school male fashion.

What is an acceptable amount to pay for a T-shirt? What constitutes a good shirt for a high schooler?

To put it shortly, there’s no limit– spend as much as possible. Purchasing anything less than a $50 T-shirt means subjecting yourself to inferior materials and places you on a similar level to those who wear crocs with socks or Armani designer clothing (Versace should be dominating your wardrobe by this point). As for what constitutes a good shirt, that should explain itself- anything exorbitantly expensive. I would personally recommend the $90 A.P.C white T-shirt from the Kanye West collection. Taking a quick look at the description is all it should take to convince you– if the words “A.P.C KANYE silkscreened tone-on-tone inside neckline” don’t sway you, then quite frankly, I feel bad for your lack of fashion prowess.

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What are the best shoes to buy as a first pair?

The staple for the average high-schooler is, and always will be, the white sneaker. Sleek, simple (yet sophisticated in an understated sort of way), and suave, this footwear should be in everyone’s closet. My personal suggestion is the critically acclaimed Common Projects Achilles leather sneakers. Although the $400 price tag may place it slightly out of your price range, it’s well worth it for it’s minimalist design and superior construction. Just make sure to never leave the house with them, as one false step could mean the ruination of these beauties.

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What types of outerwear should I invest in? What kind of things pair well with what you suggest?

Every high schooler needs the quintessential leather jacket/bomber. You can pair anything, literally anything, with this piece and immediately look like you came straight out of Top Gun. Or Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction. Or a greaser. Point is, you’ll look cool. Once again, don’t skimp– go all out for this classic sartorial necessity. I personally endorse Schott’s line of leather jackets, particularly their antique lambskin bomber. $780 is a worthy investment considering the amount of followers and swooning women the jacket alone will procure.

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How should I accessorize? Jewelry, scarves, etc.

One word: fedora. Forget everything else. Pair it with the leather jacket for the maximum fashion bonanza. Your go-to brand of hat should indubitably be Optimo. My personal favorite collection is the Chicago, the self-titled “hat that looks great on everyone.” For only $650, this standard crown, double-stitched timeless classic with an underwelted brim can be yours.

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Well, that’s all for now. Remember the paramount rule of fashion– the more expensive, the better it is. Comment below for questions you’d like to have answered in future articles, or email [email protected].